Totally serious, 100% Biblical rules for women (Please ignore the eye roll)

Photo: AI generated.

I was doomscrolling through Facebook and Instagram as I ate my sandwich and I came upon the rankings of Eld. Toby Sumpter of Christ Church in Moscow, Idaho—an Evangelical Reformed megachurch with ties to Christian nationalism.

Sumpter, who has a very large following, was teaching that women lose their right to vote for the person they want when they get married. It is their Biblical duty to vote as their husbands choose.

[He seems charming enough.]

I decided to look through ye olde Bible to see what other rules I seem to be missing for the womenfolk of our flock.

[Not the ungodly New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition that woke “pastors” carry.]

Your husband is now your brain

Upon marriage, your right to independent thought is transferred to your husband’s head. Don’t worry—he’ll take excellent care of your opinions.

Silent but holy

In church, your voice must be silent, but your hat must be loud. The bigger the hat, the holier the silence.

Voting is a male spiritual gift

Why clutter your head with politics when you could be memorizing Proverbs 31? Let him vote for both of you. Efficiency is Biblical.

Modesty above all

Knees, elbows, and individual toe outlines are stumbling blocks. Cover them, lest your neighbor sin after catching a glimpse of your rebellious ankle.

The kitchen is holy ground

Blessed is the woman who knows her way around a casserole dish, for she shall inherit the praise of potlucks.

Submission Olympics

Compete with other wives to see who can submit more creatively. Bonus points if you start each sentence with, “Yes, dear.”

Holy homemaking only

That college degree? Just preparation for your true calling: making a Proverbs 31 Pinterest board.

Your husband’s dreams are now your hobbies

He loves golf? You do too. He’s into collecting old LIFE magazines of the good old days? Congratulations, so are you.

Ask permission for everything

Want to breathe? Double-check. Want to spend $5? Triple-check. Want to blink twice? Is that sass? Better repent!

Your hair is a spiritual Wi-Fi signal

Uncovered hair will interrupt the prayers of men. Tie it back, lest heaven’s connection drop.

[Should I be printing this stuff on a pamphlet for the congregation?]